Holidays: Trauma, Loss & the Weight We Carry
For many people, the holidays are a time of connection, celebration, and joy.
But for others, this season brings something very different — grief, anxiety, overwhelm, and a deep sense of longing for what used to be or should have been.
If you’ve experienced a significant loss or trauma, the holidays can feel especially painful.
The rituals, smells, songs, and gatherings that once brought comfort may now highlight what (or who) is missing or what (or who) you never had. You may feel the sharp contrast between the world expecting cheer and your heart carrying an absence that can’t be filled.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
A 2023 American Psychological Association survey found that 89% of U.S. adults feel stressed during the holidays — and for those living with trauma or loss, that stress can intensify old wounds, amplify grief, and awaken memories the body has worked hard to protect you from.
This is not a personal failing. It’s your nervous system remembering.
Trauma and loss don’t take holidays off — and the pressure to feel joy can actually make things harder.
In this blog, we’ll look at why the holidays can be especially challenging — and how you can honor your healing with compassion, grounding, and choice.
Whether you're grieving someone you loved, navigating painful memories, or simply trying to make it through the season, there is nothing wrong with you.
You are human.
You are adapting.
And you deserve gentleness through this season.
When “Joy” Doesn’t Match Your Nervous System
The messaging around the season — be cheerful, be grateful, be social — can create pressure that directly clashes with lived experiences of trauma and loss.
Beyond financial stress (the top stressor reported in the APA survey), many people feel overwhelmed because:
Sensory cues — smells, sounds, traditions — can awaken long-stored memories.
Old family roles get reactivated the moment you walk through the door.
Loss, grief, or estrangement become more vivid during a time focused on togetherness.
The expectation to be “merry” can make the internal conflict feel even heavier.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does everyone else seem fine while I am not?” — remember: you are responding in the exact way your nervous system was designed to respond.
You’re not broken.
Your body is taking care of you.
Boundaries Are Brave
For many survivors, the holidays bring an internal tug-of-war:
I want to feel connected… but I don’t feel safe.
I want to participate… but I can’t relate to the people or the energy around me.
Boundaries are how you bridge that gap — with compassion, not criticism.
They are not rejection.
They are not selfish.
They are regulation.
They are how you protect the healing you’ve worked so hard for.
A boundary can look like:
Leaving an event early
Saying “no” without over-explaining
Skipping a gathering altogether
Not engaging in certain conversations
Staying in a hotel instead of a family home
Choosing who you spend time with (and who you don’t)
When you choose peace over people-pleasing, you’re not pushing others away —
you’re honoring your healing.
You’re signaling to your brain and body, “I will take care of you. You are safe with me.”
When Triggers Abound
The holidays can activate triggers you didn’t even know you carried.
The key is not eliminating them — it’s learning how to ground yourself through them.
Here are simple, trauma-informed grounding tools you can use anytime:
• Deep or Conscious Breathing
Slow, intentional breaths help regulate the autonomic nervous system.
• Sensory Grounding
Notice five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste.
• Gentle Movement
Walking, stretching your hands, or relaxing your shoulders can signal the brain that the threat has passed.
• Pairing a Mantra with Breath
“I am safe now.”
“I can take this moment by moment.”
“I can do better for myself.”
You can’t always control the environment.
But you can support your body through it.
Grounding tells your brain:
I’m here. I’m safe. I’m okay.
Grief & Loneliness
Even in a room full of people, the holidays can feel painfully lonely.
They often magnify:
The people we’ve lost
The relationships we wish we had
The versions of ourselves we are still becoming
The safety we never experienced growing up
The disconnection between what we feel and what we “should” feel
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar.
And it doesn’t pause for holiday music.
Give yourself permission to:
Create new rituals
Rest instead of forcing joy
Say “yes” only when it feels aligned
Honor your emotions, whatever they are
Remember someone in a way that soothes your heart
During the holidays, let your love land somewhere honoring — of you, your story, and your healing.
Final Reflection
If the holidays feel complicated this year, that doesn’t mean you’re failing or falling apart.
It means your nervous system is still healing — still learning safety, still finding its way back to peace.
You are allowed to protect your energy, honor your needs, and create new versions of family, connection, and tradition.
Most of all, you are allowed to rise — slowly, compassionately, and on your own terms.
During one of the most painful seasons of my life, when grief made it difficult to go on, I wrote a short piece called I Took a Breath. It reminded me that even the smallest step forward — a single breath — can be an act of resilience.
Let’s rise, together.
American Psychological Association. (2023, November). Stress in America™ 2023: Stress, health and the holidays. APA
